reminisce....

The funeral's today. I'm not going, but I can't get it out of my head. The whole situation seems surreal, like a nightmare you can't wake up from. Everybody's going to be there, the distraught friends and family, the supporting church members, the heartless gossip mongers, the media....everyone but me. I can't make myself go. Going makes it real and I can't accept that. I find myself watching the news, browsing the web, reading blogs about it. They all call him "the bad guy", "the shooter." I'm not defending what he did, but you think you know someone after 13 years until something like this happens. Nobody thinks about the "bad guy's" family. What did they do to deserve this? They can't control their family member's actions. The worst part is those pitiless idiots calling and harassing the family. They just lost a son, a brother, part of their family. How can they be so heartless? This makes me reminisce of those times we would hang out and have fun. It's so sad I watched him fall into a dark hole of depression and drugs, and yet did nothing to help him out. I would see him at school or around town, and I would just look away as if I didn't know him and was too good to know someone like him. I hate myself for that. I could've helped him. We all could have. There are so many what if's.....